Which Way Out of Heartbreak?
This is a difficult post to write, especially on Valentine's Day.
The day after we arrived back from Italy, Rob stayed down in London with me. I had to get up and go to work the following morning. I left Rob in bed, still half asleep, giving him a kiss and a cuddle and reminding him I much I love him.
I didn't know that would be it. The end of the road.
Last Saturday, Rob reached inside my chest, grabbed out my heart and squeezed it until it broke. Or at least he may as well have done. I've been left scrabbling around on the floor, trying to fit the pieces back together.
I spoke to Rob on the phone at two thirty in the morning last Saturday. He told me, as always, how much he loved and missed me, how he couldn't wait to be with me again the next weekend.
Eleven hours later we spoke. He told me again that he loved me but then, like a bolt from the blue, told me that it wasn't enough, that he didn't want to go on with our relationship.
In that second, standing in a hot overcrowded room at a professional conference, my world began to unravel and nothing has been the same the since.
I have no idea what changed in the space of eleven hours. I'm perhaps more scared that nothing did. The love that Rob expressed to me in the middle of the night seemed as genuine and sincere as always. But Rob is a terrible liar, completely unable to hide his true feelings. Real love has no off switch, and I refuse to believe this was a snap decision, he must have already known at half past two what he planned to do when the sun had risen. If he didn't mean it when he told me he loved me then, that leaves only one logical conclusion.
He never has meant it.
The man who made me feel all this. My buddy, my rock, my partner in crime. The person I wanted to share my highs and lows with. The person who understood me and what makes me tick. The guy who was always there, at the end of the phone line, at the end of the train line. The one person who never failed to make me smile, make me laugh, make me love.
Now all he makes me do is cry. All he makes me feel is hurt. In an instant, it's all gone and I'm left wondering if it was ever there in the first place.
I can't find the words to describe how hurt I am, not simply by what has happened, but also the way it was done. Ending a long term, serious relationship over the telephone, even if you are 200 miles apart, just isn't fair. If I meant anything at all, I think he owed it to me to break the news face to face. This is the anger that tempers my tears.
I feel a little like I'm turning in an emotional spin dryer. I can't bear the thought of speaking with Rob, or seeing him again right now. I'm afraid I'd lose my dignity. I'm afraid it would hurt more than I can bear. But at the same time, the thought of never seeing Rob again, of him no longer being a part of my life at all is terrifying.
I'm still not sure that I really know how to get through this, how to find my way out of this heartbreak.
On Monday evening, I went to take my frustrations out on an indoor climbing wall. It's a hobby which, ironically, I took up because Rob loves it so much.
Halfway through a top-roped climb I found myself stuck, unable to figure out my next move, the only logical step for my right foot feeling insurmountable. I looked down, wanting to shout "I can't do it." In that unnatural position, arms and legs spread hanging on to an artificial rock face, I realised that climbing serves as something of a metaphor for life.
You can't look down or backwards. The only way is onwards, upwards, even if you have to push yourself through the pain to do it. You have to trust your belayer not to let you fall like you trust your friends to catch you when life gets tough.
And when you reach the top of an indoor climbing wall, the only way is down.
With heartbreak, the only way is through.
Honey, I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. ::Big hug:: And I know you may not believe me, but just because someone says they have stopped loving you DOES NOT mean they never loved you to begin with. I know that might be what you're thinking, that just because he said it once and wasn't truthful means they were all untruthful. But that isn't the logical conclusion. The logical conclusion was just that he changed. And you'll change too. For the better.
Love you.
Allison
Posted by: Allison Blass | 14 Feb 2008 23:03:34
Oh God, Caro-- I'm so sorry.
(((Hugs)))
Posted by: Sandra Miller | 14 Feb 2008 23:05:36
Caro, I am so sorry about this. I wish you the strength to keep putting one foot ahead of the other until you find some peace.
Posted by: Minnesota Nice | 14 Feb 2008 23:19:17
My heart breaks for you-what a rotten thing to happen to a wonderful person. You deserve better,I'd hoped that you'd found it.Love is such a lotto, and starting over is the hardest.
hugs)))
Posted by: type1emt | 15 Feb 2008 00:01:46
Oh Caro! I'm so sorry. I know that you have the strength to get through this one step at a time. I'm sure there will be a silver lining to this, and perhaps a greater part of your life's journey has just begun. Sending hugs across the Atlantic tonight.
Posted by: Jillian | 15 Feb 2008 00:10:08
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I hate it. When your heart shatters like this, it makes us all hurt too.
I send my thoughts and love to you. Just take it one day at a time.
Posted by: Cara | 15 Feb 2008 00:49:33
Hey Caro, I'm sorry to hear that. Thinking of you as you work through the healing.
Posted by: Scott K. Johnson | 15 Feb 2008 02:10:18
***hugs***
I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Posted by: Rachel | 15 Feb 2008 02:11:22
Caro,
I'm so very, very sorry. Many, many hugs.
Posted by: Colleen | 15 Feb 2008 02:28:31
Oh, Caro, I'm sorry. I've been there and that gasping, fish out of water feeling is just awful. I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this pain. Hang in there...(((hugs)))
Posted by: Major Bedhead | 15 Feb 2008 18:02:55
Caro -
I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Broken means it can't be fixed. I will not let you call your heart broken.
It's bruised, battered and was hit blindsided, but in the end, when u get past the pain and hurt, and u and your heart will be stronger.
Positive vibes are being sent to you from all over. Hang in there and know that all of us are thinking of u.
Kelly K
Posted by: Kelly K | 15 Feb 2008 18:42:23
Breakups suck. Wishing you strength as you heal from this. All best.
Posted by: Lyrehca | 18 Feb 2008 02:35:07
Breakup's do stink, that's for sure. In reading your post, which I'm sure was diffiult for you to write, I was impressed by your strength, that is evident as you recount the rock climbing experience. You will work through this ... I hope you find lots of love and support from those close to you.
Posted by: Randee | 20 Feb 2008 03:05:32
((((hugs)))) for you. I don't know what to say other than that I'm thinking of you, and wishing you healing & comfort during this time. I know your life will be filled with love. You're incredible, inspirational, strong and vibrant.
Posted by: in search of balance | 21 Feb 2008 21:49:05
Caro, I'm so sorry!
Hugs
Posted by: Liz | 22 Feb 2008 11:09:54
I'm sorry this is so late. I am just catching up on some blog reading.
I'm so sorry about Rob. Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to bear. I've been there. It is not a nice place to be.
I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a big hug. But, I guess this will have to do. (((hug)))
Posted by: Penny | 27 Mar 2008 21:50:17